The Hard Realities I’m Facing. The Hard Realities Many Are Facing.
This is hard…
Not easy at all…
I know many of us are struggling. This is not meant to take away from them. I’m not asking for help. I’m just letting people know where things stand with my story, as I’m not sure what will happen from here on out. This isn’t the happiest of blog entries. There is a heaviness, a sadness, as I write.
Let’s start with some good news.
The Journey of Spirit Art is now in an ebook format. I had to fight to get it there. An image based book wasn’t easy. And I figured it out.
Friends & Family, the new 86ish card oracle deck is almost ready. And the light code deck. So the projects are shoring up nicely.
That’s the good news.
As I post artwork, projects, and other successes, people don’t see the truth of the reality crumbling behind me.
Here’s the rest of the story.
I’ve taken a lot of risks throughout the years to follow my heart. Always risking things. Never without a second guess when spirit said to jump. I left my job in 2009, right after the 2008 crash, with nothing to back me… on April 1 (more on that later). Spirit pushed me right into freelancing with offers that day.
I lept into writing and selling books, trying to make a business out of it in 2018. I failed because of the pandemic. It shattered my reality. I continued on, going back to web development clients who still had faith in me.
I tried several times to do it again, never making it, failing each time and always continuing.
Amazon Banned My Books in 2022
Then my books were banned… yes, banned… on Amazon. For nothing I did. They refused to publish a book because it supposedly had a duplicate author, title, cover, content, and something else. All about duplication.
I created everything… everything.
So through the process of trying to explain that, two technicians were involved. One said, “Oh, yeah, you’re right.” They published my 20th book.
The other saw it. Pulled my inventory, deleted my books, and used a statement in their language that says they can ban anyone for any reason. This also has to do with a dark energy attack I had at the time that you can find on my YouTube.
In a matter of hours, my entire inventory, the platform everyone used to buy my books other than at conventions, was wiped out. With the click of a button.
I shifted.
I had to.
I took a risk.
I had been drawing spirits for a year. My guides brought me a friend who told me I had to share it with the world. I found myself jumping into spirit art.
Luckily, I also had enough knowledge of publishing that I had a new printer within a few days. I pulled everything from all the major platforms. You won’t find me on any of them as I no longer trust them in any capacity. I went with a self-publishing tool. And move my ebooks to my website.
It was hard.
Without conventions, and Amazon, sales plummeted.
Spirit Art Grew and Saved Me
Yet, due to the outpouring of support for my work, spirit art grew.
So I was able to see the light again, to see the shift I wanted.
In February of 2023, I finalized the majority of my web development work… which was safe, lucrative, and would’ve been everything I needed financially. I worked with agencies as a freelancer for years, many offering me jobs any time they had openings. Not to brag, there’s a point – CTOs, Lead Developer, etc. All with cushy experiences and financial compensation.
I knew if I took them, I could pay off the debt I built by starting a writing business, leaving my toxic relationship and moving twice in almost a year, and from the pandemic. I could easily go to work with those companies in the short term.
But it wouldn’t be authentic.
I knew I would hate those people I loved within a year. Corporate, even small agency work, is not for me. I can’t be put into a box, a cubicle, or even beside people. I go crazy.
So I ended it all.
I ended it all by telling them I’d never be back. They all respect me. They’re still friends. Yet I made sure to burn those bridges so I couldn’t turn back… both of us waving from each side in excitement, ready to find new rivers and new bridges. They knew I had tried to tear the bridges down multiple times and the day was already coming. Most were excited for my new journey.
Spirit art was taking off. It provided everything I needed. The flow was far slower than web development, not as lucrative, but it was authentic to me. I could see how it would grow into something far more magical.
It did.
I worked with hundreds of you on the free art in the beginning. Then came paid sessions. Then divine council transmissions, and things shifted. New projects, new books, and new tools. All supported by the community I was building.
I met an enormous amount of conscious beings through my work. Calling many friends today. And making a community I never imagined possible for me with this work. If you don’t know my story, I fought with my guides for years to share my own experiences about galactics and others.
They always provided for me. Abundance was very in the moment, as it should be at the least. If I needed something, money, food, whatever, it came.
Abundance Was Always There… Then Something Happened.
I’m not sure what.
I’m still scratching my head, crying, angry, sad, confused, in dismay, all the emotions.
January 1, 2024 came. Year of the dragon. Year of abundance.
My sales halted.
I made barely enough in January to cover expenses, and at the last minute at that. The past few months I’ve sold everything I could, my grandfather’s coin collection, anything I could sell or remove from the apartment to make it by and make it easy to jump in the car to move.
Now, I did have permission from my grandfather. He died when I was 13ish. We were close. He was more of a father to me than my own dad. And I can’t express the importance of that collection, the necessity of having to sell it, and be asked by his spirit to do so… hard days. So I knew it was coming to that.
February came, sales trickled in, but nearly half what I needed. I didn’t pay most of my bills. Enough came for the rent (I’m on a month-to-month) 8 days late… keep in mind, I’ve never been late here. Rarely late elsewhere. It’s not me to be late with payments of any kind. Only a few times over the years have I needed help, but always bouncing back within a week or two and only when I was deep in my 3D work. Luckily, I called the landlord and he didn’t even return the call. He just let it be knowing I would eventually pay.
My Past Caught Up to Me
My debt from the past started catching up with me. One bank told me they couldn’t help unless I could pay them a large sum in 3 days. They raised the interest to 27%… mind-blowing to believe that’s even legal. The banks are robbing people, getting bailed out, and continuing to feed on us. And again, a company I’ve been with for 20+ years as a customer. Rarely ever missing a payment before this year. And their response was, “We know you’re in hardship, but you need to pay XXX in three days to put you on a hardship plan. Do you have it?”
They just repeated that as I continued explaining, “No, I’m in hardship. That’s why this is happening and I’m calling… because I don’t have it. That’s what a hardship program is for.”
Corporations programming robotic people to just repeat and not help, not care, and not listen… and luckily I’m patient and refrain from communicating with anger towards them. I can’t imagine their days dealing with unawake people who aren’t aware of their emotions.
So I said… well, okay… I’m done with that.
I noticed the interest change. I had their response. I just don’t care anymore. (not financial advice, saying fuck it isn’t the best thing to do, but in my situation, there’s nothing to do)
I risked everything to jump into my authenticity, and it went well.
Extremely well.
Then came the last months of 2023 into 2024, and everything crumbled.
The sad thing is, if it hadn’t been for the debt I accrued for years building to get to this space, I would have had no problem. The pandemic, the multiple moves with my ex and then to leave, and starting the writing business, all drained me to a point where everything I made went to keep my credit cards paid. The debt was all old lifestyle stuff.
So then I struggled.
I knew I had to pay the rent. Most important. So I did. Scraped it up each month. Almost missed March again. Let other bills go late, hitting late fees, getting disconnect warnings. And I had never, not once, overdrafted my bank account in my life where something bounced.
It happened last week.
I went through January not eating colors.
I call it the phase of eating brown. I ate brown foods in my cupboards because I literally couldn’t afford to buy groceries. I have 3 cats and struggled to get them their food and litter. A friend kept calling to check on me because I looked and felt like a zombie, able to hide it when I was talking to everyone online.
I kept and continuing to keep posting my service work, light codes, answering messages, and trying to get by day-by-day, ignoring the rest.
January to February I was often back to sleeping for hours just to escape the stress. I had taken the Arizona trip in December to strengthen my mental health. It worked. When February came, it all crashed down.
The car needs brakes, has headlights out, and is due for an oil change after that trip to Arizona. No regrets taking the trip. It was an excellent one. Not an expensive trip either. I can drive there and back for about $500.
Normally, the cost wouldn’t phase me at all. I almost didn’t make it home though. I went out because I was guided to and so depressed from not seeing the sun since August. Then struggled to scrape the money to come home to my animals.
That was a beautiful trip. And a rough one. I saw the warning signs for January. And I knew finances would crumble completely. Just a feeling. And they did. The signs were all there. And there was nothing to do to prepare.
It was what it was, so to speak.
So I sat down like anyone would do. I re-budgeted. I figured out how much I needed to move into a new place, a bus, the car, wherever. The complexities are the 15+ year old cats. I can’t live with my parents. Although they say I have an open invitation then say, “Except you can’t bring the animals.” So it’s an empty invitation. I would never ask them to get rid of their dogs.
Bus and van life attract me. Having three cats, I thought, well, I’ll get a bus. A small one. I had been researching them for years. You can buy a bus for about $100 to $150 a month. Minus all the apartment living expenses, I would save a huge chunk of money each month. That sounds like a no brainer.
But, I needed help.
So I went to my parents who supported this idea through the years. They always said I needed to do this. They knew it’s what I love, to travel and be in the wilderness.
Let’s Get a Bus!
I needed help because of my financial situation. I knew I would need a cosigner for the bus. Yet, I could sell my car, save on expenses, and just be in a space that was far better than anything else. It would mean having my cats, not relying on my mom to watch them, and not paying for apartment bills when I’m not there for almost a month at a time–a literal drain on my account.
I do love the apartment. It’s been a place of healing and safety since I left the old relationship. Now I’ve out-resonated it. To the point even the trees tell me I need to leave. My vibration is too much for the area.
Everything I know, all my close friends, the community and event support, it’s mostly out West. So that’s where I wanted to go.
I decided a bare bones bus would work. All I needed was to put a bed frame in it. I don’t need all the comfortable extras–fridge, shower, stove, solar, etc–as I normally live out of a tent without a cooler or electricity. A bus would be an upgrade. Walls to keep you safe from weather. A bed. Room for the cats. And I could slowly work on it as money came in. Do the floor one week. Wait until more came. Then the roof, walls, and slowly build it out piece by piece.
Makes sense.
A bus is better than a tent for my needs right now. It can hold the cats.
A slow build would work. Weather isn’t an issue as I would drive to warm weather in Arizona and move around as needed. Then I would save my money each month to catch up on everything and slowly put it into the bus.
I explained this to my parents.
That didn’t go as well as I thought. I now feel like I have to cut them off. It was coming. They are low vibrational. My mom is loving to a degree, but she’s in a relationship with someone who is… well, I’ll leave at low vibrational. And she rarely shows any true love or safety in her presence.
Why ask them when I know this?
Because they’ve always tried to get me to have them cosign for house loans and to support me in other ways. Now I had a project we could work on. And I had no one else to ask.
The response I received before ever saying, “This is what I want to do. Can you cosign?” went kind of like this, minus a bunch of detail.
Me: “Can I park the bus here if I get one?”
Them: “No, you can’t fit it down the drive.”
You can, they just don’t want to try with a short bus. A long bus, no, but a short bus, yes. So that makes sense, right? Valid concerns.
Throughout the conversation, I stayed calm trying to convince them. They asked questions in very unsupportive ways that showed no confidence in me as a nearly 40 year old man. Imagine people talking down to you as they ask these questions. Treating you energetically, and being an empath feeling the truth of it all, that they find you ignorant, incapable, and just have no belief in you.
I felt like I was 3 years old, and not in a playful way.
“Why do you want to do this anyway?”
“Why would you give up the apartment? You need to keep it because it’s cheap.”
“You’re not ready for bus or van life. You don’t know what you’re getting into.”
“You can’t live in a bus without a fridge.”
“How are you going to lock it? You can’t live in a bus.” BTW, you can lock buses. You just have to install the locks.
“You’re not handy. You can’t use tools.”
“You have no idea what you’re getting into. It’s more work than you think.”
“I know you’ve been talking about it for years. You need to do more research about this.”
“It doesn’t matter what you’ll save. You can’t live in one. You don’t know what you’re doing.”
It’s super frustrating and sad. I’ve been researching for over 2 years, they supported me before, and I absolutely know what I’m getting into. My offer was to buy a bus, not convert it, build a bedframe out of 2x4s, and hit the road… convert slowly, later. Until the day I mentioned actually buying one, they supported the idea.
When I decided I wanted to proceed, their response was to treat me like a child, ignorant and incapable. Then, they put the cherry on top which gave me the truth of why they were blocking me and always trying to help me stay in the area.
“If you leave, who is going to watch the dogs?” They leave twice a year for 3-4 days at most. Their biggest concern was, “Who is going to watch the dogs?”
That’s when I knew…
So I probed further.
My mom told me she was far more comfortable with me living in my Subaru Forester on the road in a tent… in a tent, not a bus. Yet, the bus wasn’t safe to her… huh?
Does that make any sense?
And she would watch my cats any time I left. She would go over to the apartment even if I decided to leave for 3 months, which is the timeframe I literally gave her.
“If I leave for 3 months, will you watch them?” is what I asked.
They wanted me to keep the apartment for months, not in use, to keep my cats there, draining thousands of dollars, while living in a condition that was far less safe than living in a bus.
It made absolutely no sense…
until I realized they were doing what they could to keep me around to make them more comfortable at my expense. They are operating at their level of consciousness, and I accept that… but I’ve never asked for help. Not even them. And to need it, explain what you’re doing, and be denied the help out of thinking you’re a child and wanting you to stay because it would inconvenience them… that was a whole other waking moment when I realized…
It’s time to leave.
So I may not have a bus or a converted van. I do have my Subaru. And I’ll take the seats out to make room, tweak some things, and get it ready for me and the cats. One thing is for sure…
Once I have the money to drive South, we’re leaving.
I don’t have friends and family I can count on here. The one person who does help me, my best friend, is in Arizona. Others I’ve been working to build community with are in California and scattered along the coast. So it’s time to go where my people are.
If you’re on the East coast and reading this, you are my friend too, and I love you too. I’ve made many great friends on the internet out here. However, I feel happiest and at home in the West.
I don’t mind living in a tent. I enjoy it.
Living with the cats… we’ll see how that goes.
I’m not asking for help. What I’ll say is that if you feel nudged to support my work, spirit art or divine council readings, even just a tip/donation for the YouTube videos, I can definitely use it and I’m happy to energy exchange for it.
My goals are small. I have several staged goals. If I can bring in x amount I’ll just hit the road. The car needs some work, but I can get there without it as long as I drive during the daylight and keep an eye on the other things.
The Most Frustrating Parts
I think the most frustrating part is losing what I do have. I thought I had supportive parents.
Nope.
I thought I limited my expenses enough to survive in any transition or chaos until I built more connections in this new industry.
Nope.
And now I don’t know if I’ll even be able to keep anything. I’ll need to get a storage unit to keep my things, just a small space to keep what doesn’t fit in the car for when I do get a bus. And I need to get the snake, Heimdall, to my brother in Florida, another trip/drive with the cats in the car.
That’ll be interesting. LOL
In reality, the material things don’t matter.
And spirit continues telling me to trust, believe, surrender… beyond frustrating to hear when you’re in survival mode barely paying for the food you eat. To put this in perspective, I don’t eat out or visit fast food. I can spend $10 on fresh produce that feeds me for a week… that’s a minimal cost. And some weeks I haven’t been able to buy fresh produce. Trusting the universe is hard in any situation like this.
Needless to say, things are shifting fast.
I went from a productive space to an unproductive space in terms of sales. I have no idea what happened. What energy came. Why it came. All I’m told is to trust, the hardest thing to do when we’re in survival mode.
I’m in a space where I’m cut off from people, which is extremely lonely when you need help. I’m not complaining. It was designed that way to keep me in hermit mode and healing. The people here aren’t safe to be around. The energy of the area is super low vibrational, and I only seem to find happiness and joy when I’m West. It feels like home. Which is probably why most of my connections are out that way.
Every day is just me working on myself, working on a project with the hopes it helps others, and getting through the day knowing that with each passing day there’s a chance I’ll be closer to having to figure things out with three cats on the road.
It’s a serious situation… And I’m not alone.
Others I’ve talked to are in similar situations. The problem is that we don’t share it with the world. You see us post our work, our reviews, and other things. You don’t see the struggles. It doesn’t mean we don’t have our struggles too.
We do.
And sometimes they hit us unexpectedly like a semi-truck smashing through everything in the way.
The point of this is to say, if you’re struggling, you’re not alone. We don’t all have it figured out making millions of dollars like those showing off the super successful side of life. Even those people struggled at first. And some just don’t show the struggle. Some of us are still trying to make it through to a better place, breaking free of the 3D stranglehold that we built before we embraced ourselves, and simply trying to survive so we can wiggle free.
It’s okay to try to survive. It doesn’t mean we’ve done anything wrong. It just means we’re figuring out where to transition to next.
I don’t know what the future holds for me.
I always wanted to live on the road, in the forest, on the land with nothing more than a tent or a vehicle to get me by. Doing that with 3 cats… that will make it interesting.
What I don’t know is what I’ll be doing next. If I can’t pay my phone bill, car insurance, etc… where does that go? What is in store? No idea… The only form of dependency I had was my parents, and they obviously don’t support my work. It didn’t stop with the bus.
I announced a big show where others sought me out, amazing people. Something potentially life changing for me. And they sought me out. Not the other way around.
My parents responded without any confidence, “Why would you do that?” When I said how great the opportunity was, they showed their trust in me by talking down about it and saying, “Well, we’ll see what happens.”
No confidence.
No support.
No congratulations.
No “I’m proud of you.”
Nothing.
They aren’t my people.
I posted the announcement and was shocked how many people reached out congratulating me. Those are my people. And they aren’t here.
So it’s time to leave.
To move on.
To go somewhere else.
And wait to see where the waves take me.
Remember how I mentioned April 1 earlier? The funniest thing of all… April 1, 2009, April Fools Day, is the day my life changed and grew more free. Everyone thought it was a joke. It wasn’t. It was spirit’s way of letting me laugh as others faced their karmic losses as I walked away. April 1, 2024 is right around the corner, the day rent is due, the day I’m wondering..
Is that when everything changes again?
To move into the car, I need the car too. I realized too late that my car payments are now behind, which means a potential repossession. It was a long night after calling the 24/7 support line and fighting with a robot to speak to a human who never showed up. Up all night stressed, shaking from lack of food, anxious, worried, and more that I’ll get stuck here because the one thing I do need may get towed away. Then back to calling this morning. Luckily, I have some time to get the payments in. That’s the most worrisome part of this journey. I plan to live on the road, but you can’t do that without a vehicle.
What is the change that’s coming?
I don’t know. I’m hoping for the road life, to decrease my expenses, and live where I’m happy and supported out West. We’ll see what happens.
Know this…
You’re not alone in your struggles. We all go through it. Sometimes it’s easy. Sometimes it’s devastating. This time feels like a devastating one for me. My anxiety, worry, fear, depression, are all shooting through the roof. And I’m just fighting to hold on.
Like a soldier in battle who has no sword, no shield, no armor and is getting stabbed by a thousand spears.
That’s what it feels like right now. To be drowning in your own blood asking the universe for change while trying to continue moving forward.
You may feel this too. Maybe now. Maybe before. Maybe in a future moment. And just know that others are there and have been there, whether they show it or not.
We’ll weather the storm.
The light always wins.
We just need to hang onto the life raft, float on the waves, and see where we wash up.
I love you, and I’m grateful you’ve been on this journey with me!
Update: 3.24.2022
My parents shifted after a blow out Saturday. My mom somehow found out I was leaving anyway. She got to me before I got to tell her. I knew I was doing the right thing because after the fight I felt nothing about the fight. Just compassion and love for the state of consciousness they exist in.
Then, all of a sudden, they started helping me. She helped me get the plants adopted. Then they cleared a room in the house to temporarily watch the cats until I get settled somewhere. Mind blowing! That is the nature of the energy we exist in right now. Things can change that quickly. No criticisms, nitpicking, nothing. Just help.
So the trip is shifting. I’ll be less bound by having animals in the car and more free, especially since free space for tenting is hard to come by in the East.
So I’ll do a loop around the east and then go West for the Shasta event in May/June.
Here’s to a new adventure! Thank you all for your support!!!
If you feel called or nudged to support my work in some way, please consider a spirit art reading, divine council transmission, or donating. For those considering divine council transmissions and unable to do the full piece, I am willing to talk about smaller versions, fewer beings, etc, at a reduced cost. Reach out to me directly in those cases to talk about budget.